


You Could See the Madness in My Eyes

by SaintOfLosAngeles



Category: Mötley Crüe, The Dirt (2019), The Dirt: Confessions of the World's Most Notorious Rock Band Book - Mötley Crüe & Neil Strauss
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Nightmares, Sleepy Cuddles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-17
Updated: 2019-07-17
Packaged: 2020-06-30 09:27:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19850296
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SaintOfLosAngeles/pseuds/SaintOfLosAngeles
Summary: In which Insomnia gets the best of Nikki, when his  subconscious paints him as a monster, and as the one person he has spent his whole life trying not be.Nightmares are not for the weak.But he has his Terror Twin in the bed beside him, to sooth the fears that his own mind conjures up.Sort of a sequel to my previous fic, I'm Not Going Anywhere, but not necessary to read beforehand at all.





	You Could See the Madness in My Eyes

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ashkore_varg](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ashkore_varg/gifts).



> Wow okay hi. So this has been in the works for an embarrassing amount of time. If you havent read my other fic called 'I'm Not Going Anywhere', this was meant to be a sequel of sorts because there are tons of references to that story in here, but it's not totally necessary to read that one (although if you chose to I wouldnt be sad about it.)
> 
> So I think it goes without saying that this is a work of fiction. I dont know the people in this story and this is a complete work of my imagination where everyone is gay. Lmao.
> 
> ALSO IMPORTANT. THERE IS REFERANCED ABUSE IN THIS. IT IS NOT GRAPHIC BY ANY MEANS, BUT IF DISCUSSIONS OF PAST ABUSE (OR DREAM ABUSE? IDK WHAT TO CALL IT. ABUSE IN A DREAM) UPSETS YOU, THIS IS NOT THE FIC FOR YOU. 
> 
> So I gifted this piece to my Terror Sister, @ashkore_varg because without her, this fic would still be 4 paragraphs long and sitting in my Docs account, she is a true friend and her writing puts mine to shame so if anyone needs a good read, GO CHECK HER OUT. I love you sis. 🖤
> 
> Well, go ahead and read this mind dump.

Nikki’s eyes shot open.  _ Fuck fuck fuck _ , was he having a heart attack? His chest was on fire, he was breathing deep, stuttering breaths bordering on hyperventilation, yet it felt like air wasn't making it to his lungs.

_ It wasn’t real, it wasn’t real, it wasn’t real.  _

Nikki had lost track of how many times he sang this mantra to himself when he woke up mid panic attack. Ever since he was a kid, his dreams had been riddled with nightmares- no fuck that. These were more than nightmares. Night terrors? Is that what they called them? Nikki didn’t know, the only thing he knew was they were absolute  _ hell _ . Maybe science didn’t have a word for them yet. Maybe Nikki’s brain was so fucked up, so unimaginably damaged, it managed to do things that science hadn’t seen before.

Sometimes the nightmares were flashbacks. Those were bad, but those weren’t the worst ones.

The past wasn't what caused Nikki to  _ dread  _ sleep, not anymore. He had the beautiful man laying beside him to thank for that. Tommy had single handedly taken Nikki's past trauma and fear of rejection and pain and curled himself around it, absorbing it into himself and soothing the ache that Nikki had been accustomed to living with all these years.

No, it was the future that scared Nikki. More specifically,  _ his future _ .

Nikki scared himself more than he'd like to say. The dark thoughts that sometimes swam inside the bassists head swallowed him, made him fear any kind of intimacy or love. He feared if he continued living this way, the thoughts would eat him alive to the very core of his soul until he was nothing but a living corpse, an emotionless body that feeds on the emotions of other people, drawing them in, loving them, only to consume them in the end. 

So he consciously spent every waking minute trying to be better, trying desperately to take the light Tommy had given him and using it to disband this horrible state of mind. Making a conscious effort was better than  _ she _ ever did, right? He wanted to be better than who he was raised by.

Something about that thought made him feel so vulnerable. Nikki didn’t do vulnerable. Vulnerable was a good way to get your heart ripped out and bludgeoned, damaged beyond repair. Before he met Tommy he didn’t even realize the wall he had built between himself and the outside world even existed. The side of the wall that faces the world is bright, outgoing, the life of the party. But the side that only Nikki could see was painted black, crumbling and decaying, terrified of being alone but allowing no one in. 

When he met the overexcitable puppy that he now calls his boyfriend, Nikki noticed a change in himself. It was like every time he and Tommy were together, one brick of the wall was removed. Tommy didn’t smash his way through, he carefully dissected it, brick by agonizing brick, as if Nikki himself would crumble if Tommy pushed too hard. Tommy continued removing brick by brick until he had made a Tommy-sized hole and he crawled inside. Tommy was like a beacon of light on that side of the wall, illuminating all the darkness inside Nikki.

Sometimes Nikki thinks Tommy had damn near fixed him, but then things like this happen and Nikki realizes, no. Tommy has healed many of his wounds, but Nikki himself is unfixable.

Nikki wiped furiously at the tears on his hot cheeks that had fallen in his sleep, groaning in frustration when he found them to be replaced as soon as he wiped them away. Why is this happening? Why does this _always_ happen? Why is his brain fucking broken? Why can’t he forget? _Just fucking forget and be normal, Nikki, you have so much shit going for you right now, there’s no reason to be such a goddamn_ _pussy_. 

Nikki fisted the bedsheets between his fingers, taking a deep breath as he tried to get the visions of the dream out of his head. His heart pounded in his ears and his body wanted nothing more than to break down and sob but  _ no. Your pillow is already soaked with tears, there’s a human shaped sweat stain on your sheets, and now you’re gonna sob like a fucking idiot and wake Tommy up and worry him to death? Just fucking get it together, Sixx _ .

Nikki tried so hard to be strong for so long, but he knew in the back of his mind that eventually he would break down and seek comfort in the only place he could truly find it. It never failed that the bassist would give in and scoot closer to the man sleeping beside him. 

Maybe he was selfish in that way. 

He would always try not to wake Tommy up, Tommy had wiped his tears this way too many times, and Nikki always felt guilty as hell for interrupting the drummer's sleep when he looked so fucking peaceful. 

Before Tommy and Nikki finally confessed their feelings for one another, Nikki was reduced to knocking on Tommy’s hotel door at 4 in the morning, counting down the seconds until the door closed behind the two of them, so he could finally let the tears fall and let the drummer take care of him in a way only he would.

These dreams didn’t come every night. Sometimes he could go weeks or even occasionally months without one, but when they did come they haunted him for hours and days afterwards. Nikki had accepted them as part of himself, and as something the bassist didn’t think he would ever be free of.

Either way, Nikki could only ever remember bits and pieces of each dream,something the bassist was incredibly grateful for. His brain refused to remember the most traumatic parts- the parts that caused Nikki to wake up in drenched sheets with his heart pounding out of his chest, which to Nikki, was pretty fucked up, because the parts he did remember were fucking horrible. 

Out of all of the fucked up dreams he's had throughout his years of living, the worst ones were the ones like the one that Nikki had just had, they portrayed Nikki himself as the monster.

Yes, those were the worst ones. Nikki’s greatest fear was becoming the monster that world had tried to shape him into, that the childhood traumas would mold him into the very person he spent his whole life trying so hard  _ not _ to be.

Nikki spewing out hate filled words that had once been directed towards the bassist himself. Venom laced words, rough hands hitting, shoving, abusing the one person in his life that had told Nikki " _ I'm never going to leave you" _ and held up that promise despite how Nikki is fucked up and damaged beyond repair.

That was Nikki's worst nightmare.

As it turned out, Nikki didn't have to give into the selfish need to seek comfort, not today. Maybe it was the shaking of the bed as Nikki tried to swallow his sobs, maybe it was the broken off, strangled noises that escaped Nikki's lips despite his efforts. Maybe it was just that internal radar that seemed to exist inside of both Nikki and Tommy, that always seemed to send out warning signals whenever one needed the other.

That internal radar had told Nikki that Tommy needed him that night, that horrible-turned-wonderful night, that he and Tommy had shared their first kiss. It hadn't been the first time they had shared a bed, not by far, Nikki had his constant insomnia and frightening dreams to thank for that- but it had a different meaning that night.

The next morning, Nikki had smiled at Tommy and told him that their souls had to be connected by a force of energy, an invisible fiber,  _ something.  _ Nikki had known Tommy had needed him, and that same invisible force woke Tommy up, had him roll over in bed, had him smiling at Nikki that  _ damn  _ smile. That same sad smile that Nikki got everytime he woke up from one of these horrific nightmares. That smile that said  _ it wasn't real Nikki, it wasn't real and I'm here now. _

Nikki blinked rapidly, trying to clear his tears to see that smile more clearly. It always made the darkness that Nikki had harbored since he was a kid ebb away, slowly giving way the brightness that radiated from Tommy's pearly white sideways grin.

"Wanna talk about it?" Tommy asked, gently placing a soft hand on Nikki's tear stained cheek.

Nikki shook his head, turning his face into the palm and choking out another sob, trying to push his face as close to the hand as he could. It brought him comfort to feel the soft skin of the inside of Tommy's palm, in sharp contrast to the slightly rough calluses the drummer had on each digit- the result of a few hundred too many hours with drumsticks twirling in his talented fingers.

He loved those hands, and the man they belonged to. 

Tommy just nodded, sliding his hands from Nikki's cheek to the back of his head to tangle in his hair, pulling the raven haired man into his chest, tucking his head under his chin and holding him there, firmly. 

Nikki loved that he never had to explain himself to Tommy. Tommy never pried, never tried to force Nikki to talk, instead he just did all of the talking for Nikki. He'd hold Nikki in his arms, muttering nonsense for as long as it took for Nikki to calm down. He tell Nikki how important he was to him, how this is the kind of love that he had always dreamed of, the kind of love he watched his parents share, how as long as he was in Tommy's arms, he was safe. No one would ever harm him, bring him down, break his heart. Not while Tommy was holding him, he'd shield him from the whole fucking world if he had to.

Sometimes Nikki would finally pull back and talk to Tommy about his struggles, sometimes he would just listen to Tommy talk until he fell asleep to the low rumble of Tommy's voice in his ear.

This was a wonderful alternative to how Nikki used to deal with these nightmares before he felt comfortable enough with the drummer to start coming to him in these low moments. Before Tommy, Nikki would grab the nearest bottle of liquor and just drink and drink until his eyes grew heavy and his mind was far too intoxicated to conjure up the disturbing images Nikki saw behind his eyelids when he closed them.

Before Tommy, liquor was an escape. Now it's less of a way of avoiding problems, more of a fun way to end a concert.

_ Before Tommy. _

Nikki now separated his life experiences into two categories, before Tommy, and after Tommy. The drummer had shown Nikki what it is like to be loved, loved in a way Nikki never believed anyone could ever feel about towards him. His own parents didn't love him, but along came this curly haired boy who looked at Nikki like the sun shone out of his ass, and to Tommy it did.

Nikki didn't want to hurt this beautiful boy.

And so his sobs grew harder, his grip on Tommy's shirt tightened, as he tried to push Tommy's bruised and horrified face out of his mind.

_ Just fucking leave him, Nikki. Dont be a fucking selfish prick, do the right thing before you drag him down with you and damage him beyond repair. He's too fucking bright for your broken ass, Nikki. Find someone as fucked up and as dark as you so you can make each other miserable and let him be happy. _

"I can't hurt you", Nikki choked out against Tommy's chest. 

Nikki felt Tommy's hands still in his hair. Tommy sat frozen for just a moment, before pulling back to look at him, but Nikki pushed forward, trying desperately to keep his head in Tommy's chest. Not only was it comforting but this way he didn't have to  _ look _ at Tommy.

It was a game Nikki's mind seemed to be playing with him.  _ Dont look at Tommy, its gonna hurt to see all that worry and concern that you dont fucking deserve, but dont close you're eyes either. If you do, I'll show you all the fucked up, horrible things that you could do to this man, I'll make you watch him bleed. _

"Nikki..."

Nikki could feel the word being spoken more than he could hear it, but he could make out the underlying concern and shock in the younger man's voice as he spoke. Nikki had never spoken to Tommy about  _ these _ dreams, only about the ones that involved the memories of his shitty childhood, and Nikki wished more than anything he could quit being so selfish and just  _ stop talking _ .

Tommy shouldn't have to deal with this. It's 4 AM, they have an interview in the morning, and here Tommy was trying to pick up the shattered chunks of Nikki from their shared hotel bed and piece them back together. That wasn't fair.

"Nikki."

This time Tommy's voice was firmer and Nikki knew he was going to have to deal with this. Tommy was absolutely not going to let up now that Nikki let those few words slip past his lips.

Tommy was the most stubborn, determined person Nikki knew, it was one of the things he loved about him so much, but right now he wished that his boyfriend could let this go. If he started talking, it was all going to come spewing out, he wasn't going to be able to stop it, and that was some deep shit for 4 in the fucking morning.

But still, Tommy wasn't going to give up, so Nikki pulled his head from the safety of Tommy's chest and met the drummer's sad, concerned brown orbs. 

"What did you dream about, baby?"

Nikki untangled his fingers from Tommy's shirt and reached up to wipe his face, trying to calm himself down. Anything to make those fucking worry lines disappear from Tommy's face, god knows he didn't deserve them.

"Nothing babe- honestly- same old shit." Nikki was a damn good liar to everyone in the world but Tommy, and he could practically feel the drummer refrain from rolling his eyes at him, and it made the slightest smile crack from underneath the mountains of pain. 

"What makes you think you're gonna hurt me, Nik?" Tommy questioned, his eyes never leaving Nikki's, as if he could lure the truth right out of him using only his eyes. In reality, he probably could. 

Eventually. 

But for now, Nikki just shook his head, causing the frown marring Tommy's features to deepen. He could see Tommy's internal struggle. The drummer was a very open person, and he liked to talk shit out, didn't like to keep things buried inside. At the same time however, Tommy knew Nikki, and he knew not to push. He knew when to give Nikki comfort, and when to back off and let the bassist come to him. Nikki was nothing if not complicated, but Tommy had decoded him.

"I'm an asshole, Tom." Nikki groaned out, wanting nothing but to bury his head back into Tommy's chest and pretend like this conversation wasn't about to fucking happen.

"Well, yeah, but so am I dude." Nikki could see a flash of white teeth in the dim moonlight streaming through the hotel window, and it made his heart seize up a little. "We both have our moments, Nik. But so does everyone else in the entire fucking world?"

"I have more than most, T-bone." Nikki was forced to keep his eyes open, to keep looking at Tommy, because every time he closed them he could see Sikki's warped face behind his lids and it made him fucking sick. 

"Do I seem the slightest bit unhappy to you, dude? You know I'm fucking soft, but I truly mean it when I say you mean the world to me. You're stuck with me, I'm not going anywhere baby."

Nikki let out a watery laugh, and if that wasn't the  _ fucking issue _ right there. Nikki could be a fucking prick sometimes, and yeah, Tommy was right, so could the drummer if he was being honest, although Nikki felt that some of that was his own influence rubbing off on the younger man. If worse came to worse, if these dreams become reality and Nikki turned into this monster like the creature he was raised by, would Tommy leave? Or would he try to stay, try to fix Nikki when Nikki wasn't capable of being fixed?

Nikki was afraid to know the answer.

"I know, Tom, I know.. I- I just.. if I ever get  _ real  _ fuckin mean.."

Nikki couldn't even finish that sentence. The Nikki he was now couldn't imagine laying a fucking hand on this gorgeous boy, the thought repulsed him. He couldn't fathom speaking those hate filled words that his mother used to say to him- words like  _ disgusting _ and  _ freak  _ and  _ faggot whore.  _ Nikki would rather cut his fucking tongue out.

But that's today Nikki. Would future Nikki be the same? That dream played in Nikki's mind over and over, a repeating mantra inside his head, and  _ nope _ . He has to make sure.

"Baby… I don't understand where this is coming from." Tommy looked so sad and confused, and when he raised his hand to touch Nikki's cheek he could feel the hesitance, as if he were afraid to spook Nikki and send him running back the wall he hid behind in his  _ before Tommy _ era.

But Nikki was selfish, he needed this right now, he needed Tommy, and as much as his brain in his current, fucked up state of mind wanted to push Tommy away-  _ fucking save yourself Tommy, don't fucking do this, I'll kill everything good inside of you, just fucking go- _ he just couldnt help it. 

Once again, he was pushing his face into Tommy's hand, grabbing his shirt, tangling their legs together.

_ Fucking pathetic, Nikki. _

"Its coming from my dreams Tommy- my fucked up, horrible fucking dreams, and I swear to God, if they ever come true someone needs to just fucking  _ kill me  _ because-" Nikki was choking now, his emotions coming to strangle him- how fucking fitting.

Tommy was tilting Nikki's head up then, and Nikki was watching the concern grow deeper and deeper, and goddamit if he could just quit  _ fucking talking _ . It was like Nikki was a disease, spewing out infection in the form of his words, and now it was seeping deeper into Tommy, when Tommy should be  _ sleeping _ . He should be  _ peaceful _ . Not looking at Nikki with those  _ eyes _ shining with concern and protectiveness, like he wanted to take Nikki's problems and lock them up in a box and bury the key in the deepest trench he could find.

"What the  _ hell _ did you dream about..? Nik?"

Nikki's lips were wobbling has he tried to hold it together enough to speak. Did he really want to tell Tommy about this? He didn't want to scare him, to have Tommy living in fear of him. Not only that, but speaking that dream out loud was almost damning, it was something Nikki didn't even want to say out loud, the thought too ugly for him to put out into the universe. 

"It was.. I was with you.. and.." was Nikki really about to spill his guts like this at 4 in the fucking morning in some hotel he didnt even know the fucking name of? He was getting irritated at the tears that wouldn't quit falling, but at the same time they were comforting.  _ She _ never cried, neither did all of her piece of shit fuck buddies that loved to smack Nikki around as a kid. Nikki was happy that he could at least feel emotions.

Nikki would have laughed at the thought of spilling all this to someone this easily- despite the fact he was still struggling- before he met Tommy. It was just one more way that the drummer had changed the world Nikki existed in.

"All the fucking  _ bullshit _ that Deana has said to me over the years, all this shit that cut me the most, I was fucking screaming it at you, T." Nikki couldn't say the actual words dream Nikki had spewed out, he didn't think his vocal cords would even let him, but Tommy didn't ask him to. He just held Nikki's gaze as he stroked his face, silently encouraging him go on. 

"And your- your fucking  _ face _ ." Nikki was choking out these words now and it was pouring out of him, without his consent or control. It was so scary to him how easily Tommy had the ability to just open up the parts of Nikki's mind that he tried to keep closed off from the world. "It was all fucked up, bruises everywhere, black eyes, fingerprints and- you know I don't remember everything in my dreams- thank fucking god, but I know where they came from, T-Bone, and I swear to fucking god, if I  _ ever- _ "

"Nikki, stop." Tommy didn't look scared, he didn't look like he was about to run away, or check Nikki into the nearest mental institution so this was already going a lot better than Nikki could have hoped for. 

Tommy flopped backwards on his back, staring up at the ceiling now, raising an arm and gesturing for Nikki to tuck himself under it, and that was exactly what Nikki did. Not for himself, of course, but when could he ever deny Tommy anything?

"Do you remember that night we first got together?"

Nikki smiled against Tommy's chest, while his fingers slipped under Tommy's shirt to draw patterns on the drummers skin while he listened. Of course he remembered that day, the best day of his life, the day a new era of Nikki's life could finally begin. Nikki didn't trust his voice at the moment, so he just gave a slight nod against Tommy's chest, his hair tickling Tommy's chin with the motion.

"I'm so fucking greatful I remember that day at all, I did so much cocaine and drank so much Jack it's honestly a miracle that I do."

Tommy was rubbing Nikki's back now, and Nikki was surprised to discover that not only had his tears slowed a bit, but he could now close his eyes and listen to Tommy's angelic fucking voice without seeing his own twisted face on the back of his eyelids. Nikki let out a sigh, snuggling as close to Tommy's warmth as he could.

"One thing I remember the most about that night is how fucking terrified I was after my drunk ass kissed you. I was so scared, Nikki, because you were my best friend, you were my perfect match, but you couldn't have loved me, not the way I loved you."

Nikki was unsure of where Tommy was going with this story, but it made his heart swell thinking about that night. Maybe that was the whole point. 

"But you took such good care of me that night. I was a fucking mess, covered in puke and broken glass, huddled behind a dumpster, wanting the Earth to just swallow me whole." Nikki could feel Tommy's breath hitch when he let a sigh out, and felt a kiss being pressed the top of his head, feather light, like Nikki was made of glass.

" l remember it all so clearly, somehow. Trying to give me your jacket, kneeling in fucking puke holding me while I fucking sobbed like I don't think I ever have before, taking me home, changing my clothes, kissing away every doubt in my mind. You took care of me with this fucking  _ tenderness,  _ you know? Tenderness that that evil woman who gave birth to you, doesn't possess in her fucking body. You've been through horrible things Nik, things that I wouldn't have fucking survived. Things you never deserved."

Nikki was crying again, he could feel his whole body shaking in Tommy's arms as the drummer tightened his grip on him. These tears were different though. These were tears of gratitude. Thank god he had Tommy to help him through this, Nikki never thought he would have something like this. 

"I can't take away your past, Nikki. I would give up everything I own and fucking hold dear to take it away but I can't. All I know is that I'm  _ fucking here _ , and I know you, Sixx. Better than you know yourself. You won't ever become those people in your past because you're not them. I know your heart, Nikki, you can't fucking hide it from me."

Nikki pulled back from Tommy to look in his eyes, his heart absolutely about to burst with love for the younger man, and when he looked into Tommy's eyes, he could see the same love reflected back at him, even in the dim light that the moon provided them. He could also see the remnants of tears in Tommy's eyes too, a sharp contrast to the smile playing on his perfect pink lips. 

Nikki couldn't respond to that, what could he possibly even say? So he just murmured out a string of words that sounded vaguely like _ 'I love you'  _ and pushed himself forward, finally connecting their lips and finally pulling Nikki completely out of the prison his mind had formed for him when his body woke himself up from the nightmare.

Feeling Tommy's lips lazily move against his own, feeling the slight upturn of the drummer's lips as they kissed, Nikki knew this is where the universe wanted him to be. This man was worth fighting and clawing every demon Nikki had, because he deserved the fucking world, and Nikki was going to give it to him.

"I love you, Nik, and I always will." Tommy's voice sounded as tired as Nikki felt, finally felt, as Nikki made a happy sound in the back of his throat and murmured back a response. He had no idea if his reply made any sense, he was half asleep again already, but the happy chuckle the drummer let out, and the lips pressing against his temple let Nikki know that even if he hadn't replied with real words, Tommy understood. Tommy always understood.

Being with this hyperactive, passionate, beautiful boy made him happy, but more importantly he made him feel  _ human _ , and that was what Nikki had been searching for all these years. Something to make him feel alive. 

And now he has it, and he's sleeping in it's arms tonight. 

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> If y'all could drop a kudos or a comment, I would appreciate it more than you know. This one was fun to write, and it would mean a lot to me.
> 
> Later, Crueheads ❤🤘


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